he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
