Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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