Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
