Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
