if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
