break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
