K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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