I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
