Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
