i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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