I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
