One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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