So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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