Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
