i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
