If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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