Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
