There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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