i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
