and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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