You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
