OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she peed on how many people?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
