i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
