The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
