Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
