I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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