Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
