How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
