I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
