I didn't shave. On purpose
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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