some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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