Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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