Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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