he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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