i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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