Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
