Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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