new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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