I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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