Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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