I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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