So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Randomize
