So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
false alarm, still single
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