Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
