So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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