Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
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One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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