I can tuck mytits in my pants
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
