This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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