We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
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He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
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The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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