Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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