my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
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I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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