If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
