I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
