he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We talked him into tasing himself.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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