Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
