my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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