If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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