i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
