Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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