i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
