Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
it hurts more in the daytime
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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