I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
